


The Human Month of Chastity

by the_last_dillards



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Crack, Dialogue-Only, Humor, M/M, No nut november, lots of talk about sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-11
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2021-01-27 15:14:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21394270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_last_dillards/pseuds/the_last_dillards
Summary: Julian undergoes a deep emotional trial in following the path of his ancestors.
Relationships: Julian Bashir/Elim Garak
Comments: 22
Kudos: 66





	The Human Month of Chastity

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BonusMeme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BonusMeme/gifts).

> Inspired by a conversation between [BonusMeme](https://bonus-meme.tumblr.com/) and I :)

“I can’t, Elim.”

“Hmm?”

“I can’t have sex with you tonight.”

“And why is that, my dear?”

“It’s well, there’s kind of a tradition. From Earth.”

“Oh?”

“Well, you, uh, know the Bajoran Month of Cleansing? It’s like that. Only for the Earth month of November, that is, the next thirty days on Earth’s calendar cycle, we abstain from sex and um, orgasm.”

“I didn’t realize you were very religious.”

“Well, I’m not really. There’s no specific religion or set of beliefs tied to it; It’s just more of a challenge I suppose. A, uh, test of willpower. And I may have made a bet with Miles over darts earlier.”

“Well, as of my last check yesterday, there are no surveillance devices in this room, so he won’t know if you break the rules a little bit.”

“No, but I’ll know! I don’t want to lie to him and what if he figures it out! Besides, it’s more of a test of self than anything else. If I don’t then I’ll be just as much of a sex crazed adolescent as Miles says.”

“Well, he’s not wrong about that.”

“Hey!”

“I’m merely joking, my dear. But, dear, thirty days...”

“I know, I know. But you always have those holos of me. You’re not bound by the rules.”

“Perhaps, but if you will be undertaking this month of sexual restraint, I suppose it’s only fair that I undertake it as well. A form of solidarity if you will, for both of our sanities.”

“Elim, you don’t have to do that.”

“I am aware, my dear, but I find a mutual endeavor to be the preferable option rather than feeding into any sexual frustration. Besides, I wouldn’t want to cause you to break this carnal fasting of yours should you happen upon me acting out on my desire for you.”

“You don’t think I can do it without you to keep me on the straight and narrow, do you?”

“You must admit that self restraint hasn’t been your strongest quality in the past, my dear. But with temptation removed and emotional support, I do believe that we can reach your goal.”

“Elim, I’m not some oversexed animal. I am able to do this without your enforcement.”

“Oh? Well, perhaps we should make a bet of our own then. We shall both undertake this Human Month of Chastity and whoever breaks their vow first owes the other a penalty of their choice. But believe me, my dear, I will not be there to support you through any temptations you may encounter.”

“Any restrictions on so called temptations?”

“Only whatever the traditional ones are.”

“No cumming, no sex acts. Visual stimulation, erections, and wet dreams are okay so long as you don’t orgasm.”

“Should you fail, I reserve the right to replace half of your wardrobe and I do think I’m being very lenient leaving it at half.”

“Alright then. If I should win, then you have to play the SPECTRE agent in my Bond program and do that one roleplay I asked.”

“I think you’ll find yourself disappointed but I can agree to those terms.”

“Then we’re settled. You’re in for a very long thirty days, Elim.”

“Ah, my dear, but you forget, you’re betting against an agent of the Obsidian Order.”

* * *

“Feeling a bit restless there, Julian?”

“No, I’m feeling absolutely wonderful, Miles. But you know, I do think I’ve noticed a small twitch in your eye the last few days. Have you been getting enough sleep?”

“...Alright, we’re 28 days in, I’ll admit it. It’s Keiko. She says that just because I’m off on some silly competition doesn’t mean she needs to stop..._you know_. And so sometimes I walk in the room and find her doing…._that_. But I can’t imagine that dragon of yours is any different. If what the Bajorans say is true, he’s probably salivating over you every night. Got to keep that one on a tight leash.”

“Garak’s not a wild sexbeast, Miles.”

_HACK HACK_

“He has a lot of self control, actually, and has decided to participate in solidarity with me.”

“Now that’s just cheating. Using your partner to keep you on the straight and narrow?”

“Hah, hardly. Garak’s made it clear that he doesn’t think I can do it. And he’s been doing everything in his power to try to make sure I fail.”

“Do I want to know?”

“Well first off, our thermostat has been broken for the last four weeks. I’ve been sweltering at Cardassian standard.”

“I fixed that twice!”

“I know, but _somehow_ it keeps breaking. And now Garak, who normally wears the most prudish nightclothes you’d have seen in your life, has decided that he ought to start walking around our quarters naked!”

“That’s not a picture I needed.”

“He goes around and sits with legs as wide open as possible, makes all sorts of rude remarks and the worst possible innuendos, and then goes and acts all innocent about it. He’s infuriating!”

“Almost makes you wanna give up, huh?”

“I’ve made it this far, Miles. But now, now, he’s decided to take up painting as well. Totally naked of course, and using _my_ pictures that I gave him for uh, personal use.”

“Well, I didn’t need to know that.”

“No but see, Cardassians, right, their uh, genitals are tucked inside their bodies normally but sometimes when he’s painting I can see peeking out, just a little-”

“Well! You can’t just be letting your snake of a boyfriend get away with all this, can you?”

“Of course not! I’ve had my revenge. Been wearing a bit less too since it's been so warm at my place. Things...I might not normally wear around.”

“Things?”

“Gifts from Garak meant for special occasions, mostly in the bedroom.”

“...you’re not talking...lingerie are you?”

“I may be...and I may sometimes take photos of myself in provocative positions and leave them places for him to find. I care about his budding art career, you know?”

“...wait a minute. Provocative positions? Is that why you’ve suddenly developed a bad habit of sticking your ass out and bending over consoles all the time?”

“Oh gods, have I been doing that?!”

“Yeah, you have! I’ve been meaning to bring it up! Just yesterday you did it in front of the Captain! You should’ve seen his face!”

“.....!”

“Hey, hey, its only a couple more days. Just try not to do _that_ anymore and then you can work off all your frustration with the damned Cardie.”

“I don’t know how I’m going to make it, Miles. He’s determined to make me break.”

“Well, maybe tracking down that 2354 will help take your mind off your boy troubles. 

“.....”

“I’m kidding! I said I’m kidding!”

* * *

“Garak! Is something wrong?”

“Well, you know how I do prefer to avoid the infirmary, my dear, but this is an issue that I think you might be best equipped to deal with.”

“Are you sick? Hurt?”

“As much as I would love to tell you, I do prefer a bit more privacy.”

“Of course. Nurse Jabara, could you go on break for a while? I’ll call when it’s all clear or I need you. Alright, what do you need?”

“Well, my dear, I’m afraid it’s my ajan. There’s some sort of terrible irritation on the inside and it’s very uncomfortable.”

“My scan is reading elevated blood pressure, heart rate, and respiration but that could just be your stress. I’m not seeing anything else unusual but I should check manually just in case. Our sensors aren’t specifically calibrated to Cardassian physiology. You’ll need to undress and put on this examination gown and then sit up on the biobed. I’ll be back in just a minute.”

“I must say your Federation does seem to have a fondness for abrasive fabrics.”

“It’s hypoallergenic. Now lay back. Feet up. Good. Now this is going to hold your cloaca open while I take a look inside. You alright?”

“A bit exposed perhaps, but I trust your steady hand, Doctor.”

“Please, Garak, not the place for flirting. Now the tissue does seem a bit swollen. Does it hurt when I press here?”

“There is a slight twinge.”

“Is the pain even throughout the whole area? Or are there any areas that it seems to localize from?”

“Hmm, a little farther up I think.”

“Here?”

“Just a bit more, dear. _Yes, yes,_ right there, Doctor.”

“On a scale of one to ten, how would you categorize the pain?”

“_Ten._ A definite ten for sure. Oh, perhaps you might like to to inspect the area more in case there are any strange lumps or maybe a cyst?”

“_.....GARAK!!_ You can’t just come in here pretending to have a medical condition because you’re horny and want a handjob!”

“But my dear, I do have a medical condition. I have inflamed cloacal tissue. You said so yourself.”

“You’re just aroused, you bastard. You know how I feel about mixing my job and my sex life!”

“Yes, yes, you’re the height of professionalism, my dear.”

“I _will_ be putting this incident in your chart.”

“By all means. You do give a rather nice view typing at the-”

“Hey Julian, I think I tore something in my- FOR GODSAKE, why wasn’t the door locked!”

“Miles, get out of here!”

“What in the Hell are you two doing in here?!”

“Chief, I do suggest that you listen to Doctor Bashir’s suggestion or you will come to regret it.”

“I’m leaving! I’m leaving! Jesus man, why do we only have one room for everything in the infirmary anyways?”

“Well my dear, I wouldn’t consider it very professional that you would allow your patients to be exposed like that. I just thank the State that it wasn’t Major Kira who came in.”

“...put your clothes back on. And I’m counting this as a loss for you since you just came in here to get fingered and a handie.”

* * *

“Miles! Over here!”

“Oh, hey, Julian.”

“Look, I wanted to apologize for yesterday. That was an oversight on my part and it was incredibly unethical to unwillingly submit both you and Garak to that situation.”

“Eh, it’s alright. I mean, not a position I’d like to be in again but all’s forgiven so long as you keep Garak from ripping my eyes out.”

“I think I can manage that part. Did you get your shoulder looked at?”

“Yeah I ran into Doctor K’llwastri and they checked it over. Nothing major. But um...Julian, about that vintage, what year did you want again?”

“I’m sorry?”

“Our bet. November? I couldn’t do it anymore. I lost last night so I owe you a bottle.”

“Oh…_..oh._”

**Author's Note:**

> I wish you all strength on your individual journeys to self enlightenment!  
I can be found on Tumblr at [the-last-dillards](https://the-last-dillards.tumblr.com/)  
1 kudo = a mental burst of love and joy from me to you  
1 comment = a mental burst of love and joy + a response ;)


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